I'm so achey for summer. Plans have already been made in my head- I will tons of photographs, photographs of friends with green dappled bokeh light behind them. Pictures of picnics & fireworks & swimming in innertubes & catching fireflies. I'll go to the movies and not worry about how many calories are in all of that butter. Maybe it'll be like last year, going on a movie date, tickling the boy's palm beside me & getting my fingertips kissed.
And I'll write things, things I hopefullly won't be embarrassed with. I'll run faster & further than I have been, &I'll get one of those kiddie pools & lay in the sunshine. I'll drink cheap wine & champagne with my friends until we're laughing at each other laughing at nothing. I'd like to get a little tent & fill it with blankets and just live in it for a while. I want to swim in big lakes and float right in the center of it. Sometimes, when I'm really nervous & anxious, I just recall how it feels to backfloat--your limbs surrounded by water, your body floating, your ears thrumming with water...it's the most peaceful thing I can think of. It reminds me of the last lines in "The Piano,"..."it's a strange lullaby, but it is mine."
This last week has left me so exhausted, I just want to curl up with the shades drawn and sleepsleepsleep for a while. Not until finals, though.
Wow, this is entirely random, but I just drank a lot of coffee on an empty stomache & I feel strange. My hands are shakey & I keep twisting them.
I DID take a lot of photos, though, because I finally got the camera I've been wanting really badly!! I'm so afraid to take it out of the house, though. It's like my baby. My pastic, battery power baby. Anyway:
My room needs to be cleaned.But you know what, it's gonna wait.
There is a lot/little going on right now & every memory I have is relived fervently in my mind. I am back 17 again, getting home late, my mouth sore from kissing & my shirt on inside out. I am in Neushwanstein, during my last summer as a teenager, staring at this mural of wilderness & wood nymphs & knowing that this is where a king lived & I am breathless. I am in Italy, gazing up at the Rialto with my feet in the water & pigeons leaving feathers everywhere & a brand new necklace of blown glass on my neck “just like your eyes,” and everything I hear is a song of talking in a language I don’t understand.
I want to be there, & I want to be somewhere worthy of another memory like those.
- Music:Stillman, Stillborn Moon <---please listen! it's pretty.
Blah. I'm not making much sense, but really, what I'm trying to say that half of the time I feel like I'm not enough, not enough, not enough. And then the other half of the time I'm trying to fix myself & make myself better. I just need sleep, badly, and springtime even more.
At least tommorow is the end of the end of the week =). That means scrambled egg night at the Braun/Cheek house! I had so much fun last week...we made eggs & sang songs & played hide & seek in the dark with flashlights & had a shadowpuppet show & eat icing out of jars while telling secrets & taking polaroids. It was just a nice way to unwind. & I'm getting really exited at the idea of next year, living in this house with all of these old friends (& Sydney & hopefully Alex & Cass visiting alot). For some reason I feel like it's almost too picturesqe & I'm hoping that it'll happen. I don't think I'll get homesick with them, or if I do, they know that I'm panicy like that sometimes, so it'll be alright.
I've rambled SO MUCH! Oh well. I'm gonna study for Phonetics & sleep. =)
Hope everyone is doing really really well!!!
- Music:The Umbrella Sequence, At Once Charmed
Today's almost over, & I'm pretty releived...it was a long day. Not bad, or good, just long & different from what I'm used to.
I don't handle change well. A soon as something changes, I instantly regard it as bad, something I could do without. Suddenly I'm considering all other options, weighing every descion I made in the past. "Did I choose right?" "Should I have..?"
I know that in a few weeks, I'll be alright, that it just takes a little time to adjust. It's just the transitory times that make me feel uneasy & anxious. But Robyn sent me an email, & in it was a quote from a forum she'd been reading "Deal & Adjust."
Words for me to live by!
While I was pulling books today at work, I started thinking that putting off changing my major is not a good thing to put off. (no...really?) So after I came home, I talked to my mum, got my job related almanac (from 2001, mind you) and the student bullitein & tried looking for a major that would be useful if I decided to get my masters in Occupational Therapy, but a major I could still utilize if I decided I wanted to be done after 4 years. And after a lot of reading & going over curriculums & drinking coffee, I've decided...
Ahem. Communication Disorders. http://www.worldwidelearn.com/online-edu
I was considering a biology major, but unless you get your masters in something else, there isn't a whole lot to do. I went to ask.com to see what kind of jobs you could find with just a BA in biology & I thought this was funny...
http://wiki.answers.com/Q/What_kind_of_j
How helpful.
Is it weird that I'm a vegetarian, and yet I REALLY want this?
http://ny-image0.etsy.com/il_430xN.46069
I think I am unhealthily obsessed with Etsy.com. But thanks to them, I've acquired quick a nice little collection of zines and bumblebee jewelry and homemade soaps. YESSSSS...I'm expecting a zine and some Frankensense and Mryhh soap anyday now.
I <3 mail.
- Mood:
lazy
"Mom, I'm just learning and keeping my mind open, okay? It's so easy for us to look at all the other religions in the world and say 'That's silly, how can they beleive that?' But they're saying the same thing about us! Adam & Eve, you beleive that?"
"Why not?"
"What about Evolution? Neanderthals? The age of the earth."
There's just so much I don't know and so many people wanting me to beleive and change and stay the same & all I want to do is what is right, but it's so hard to figure it out. And of course, my mum had to bring up the abortion card. I really really don't know what to beleive. If I were ever pregnant, I would never consider an abortion. It's just something I can't comprehend. But you know what else I can't comprehend? Rape & incest & situations that are so gruesome the mear mention in fiction makes me want to cry. Who am I to decide for you what could be the biggest event of your life? My sister is grad school for psychololgy. She worked in a center for troubled kids who had parents who'd beat them or do drugs or say things & do things she couldn't talk about. And after reading the Cider House Rules, everything just gets more & more blurry in terms of right & wrong.
"Everyone is so sure that they're right & they try to convince you, but I just want to figure it out myself & not just swallow what everyone else says."
Is that so wrong? I still have faith & optimism, but all I'm looking for is what feels right to me, what makes sense to me, and what i think will benefit everyone else in the long run.
I can't wait till the election is over.
So it's been a while since I've written anything substancial, and my only excuse is that, for some reason, if I can't adequately describe everything I'm feeling, right down to the bottom of myself, I don't want to try to explain it due to underestimating the memories. Once again, an all-or-nothing mind-frame keeps me from what's important. But the realizations of the fact aht I cannot & may not ever capture every moment in it's complete clarity. But I can try & the ieffort will be enough because then I can read it & remember. And there is so much to remember.
~Going on an airplane for the first time, being in Europe with my best friends for the first days of June, while it's my last summer as a teenager.
~Giving massages & swimming & driving withe the windows down & listening to Radiohead withe the volume turned up with Mirnada & Ktjo.
~Having C hold me till he thinks I fell asleep, even though I never can when he's around me.
And now it's the last week of my summer vacation, & in a couple of days I'll be twenty. I hope that this little change in digits dosen't really mean anything, that I'll still be as dorky & dreamy as I've always been, always wanting things to be just right. Maybe I should welcome this change, but change has always scared me, like a windstorm losing your place in a novel, ruffling the pages & sending them speeding ahead, too far ahed for what you were ready for. I guess I'll just have to write these next verses myself, carefully composing the future. When I think about what I want to do this next year of my life, the things that come to mind seem simple & impossible: Lose weight, be happy in my body. Save $ for traveling. Stop being terrified of relationships, & except things as they come. Worry less. See Linda once a week & get over blood phobia. JUST BE, living in the moment & enjoying it.
~I've bought my notebooks, filled my backpack, and have sleeping aids on my bedside table. This is all I've really had to do to get ready for back to school, and while I suppose I'll have to be ready come next Tuesday, I don't think the reality of any situation really hits me till I'm there in the moment. So next Tuesday, 9:00 wandering around an old monestary, I'll be thinking to myself, "here it goes again." But I'm not complaining, I'm just wandering if I should have any expectations...I think it's vital to be optimistic, but all I'm really aiming for is being content in my surroundings.
I have no idea what I'm trying to say & rereading some of this, it's no wonder I haven't written anything...I just want to be able to look back on this year, in a year or two from now & be able to say "That was a good year."
- Mood:
indescribable - Music:Golden Shoulders
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