I haven't posted in a little while because the things I come up with are usually depressing, so I put them on private...I think that maybe I should go see a counseler again. Descions are just beyond my ability to make, and I feel so lost all of time, just itchy in my own skin in a way I couldn't describe no matter how hard I try. Maybe that's why I'm afraid of going to talk to someone. Because no matter what I say to try to explain myself, it just wouldn't be anything fixable. Maybe I'm just one of those people who stays stagnent- it's what I'm comfortable with, yet it terrifies me to know end that I could just waste away, never getting any further.
And there I go again.

Today is just a big coagulation of bad feelings in me. Woke up tired because me & Maggie went to Wal-Mart after Chem lab & hung out with her co-workers eating Ben & Jerry's (Cinnamon Bun icecream....kill me). Worked, but there wasn't much to do & it got boring after Ellen left. Had lunch with my old roomie & another friend, & that was nice. Then I went on facebook & saw that my best friend put up pictures she took over the summer- including one of me & Chaz macking. WHY?!?!? Why, Miranda, why?!?!? Ugh. Really, what am I supposed to do with that? I know, it's not a big deal & I make big deals out of everything, but really. This is painful & akward. If there was a way to cyber-crawl-under-a-table, I would. Not that hanging out with those guys over the summer wasn't fun, because it really was, but it feels like an entirely different version of me, and I'd just rather not be reminded.

I'm debating calling M.,my almostalmost cousin & seeing if she'd like to hang out (and maybe she can bring her adorable roomate), but all I really feel like doing is going home & watching Pushing Daisies & reading The Cider House Rules. I'm so dorky. I'm worried about being unsocial, and I love being around people, but honestly, I just want to go home. My home feels like the only comfortable place in the world, and at the same time it feels like a birdcage I can never leave.