My prescription ran out. I was always a happy-go-lucky girl before the Zoloft & Xanex, and you'd think I'd still be okay if I couldn't have it for a couple of days, but neurotransmitters and chemicals in the body don't work that way. I feel so tired, but tired in a way beyond the body. I lay in bed & it doesn't feel right, because my brain doesn't want to sleep, but when I read the words go right through me and I can't remember what I was supposed to be reading, let alone what I was thinking about. It's only day 3. It's a beautiful world outside & I feel inpenatrable.
This is what makes some girls go crazy, going out alone, scandalously clad & letting shady men give you comliments & buy you drinks. This is what makes girls get in their cars and drive 85 mph down the highway. This is what makes girls go for walks in the nightgowns and midnight & get lost.
And the sad thing is that I know it's all in my head. I know that I can be a happy social girl, I was living in the dorms last year, doing service projects for Gamma Sig, playing Wii with John in his dorm, eating at Rowdy's late nights with Deanna. I wasn't happyhappy all the time or anything like that-once, but I remember how natural and fun & free it was for a while.
This may sound entirely cliche, but this is how it feels right now- I feel like I have no place in the space I'm in. I feel like I have this potential to fit in somewhere, but I don't know how to reach it, and even if I could it seems like it'd be too difficult. I don't want the creeepycrawly feeling of life slipping by while I'm deteriating at age 20. I'm not a lost cause  yet, I know this-
I just don't know what form help comes in and when to let it in when I figure it out.
I doubt any of this really made sense.