3 weeks of school have passed & I think I can handle the routine and flow of it all- busy Tuesdays & Thursdays, a couple hours of work at the library, and lots of time off. The classes themselves are going pretty well- Anthropology is amazingly interesting and intriquing & I get to sit by my twin E, and we are so similar we even have the same tendency to laugh too often. =) Sociology in Cities is a little lacking, but I think it will turn out alright, & Chem with Mr. Ali is looking like it'll be alright, mostly due to my new friend Maggie, who I might go crazy without. We share a simliar sense of humor and laugh at each other in our dorky googles. We're both goodygoody's as well, so we have that going for us.

The whole family was together this weekend- we went to visit my oldest sister Sarah in KY and we all stayed in this cute cottage by a lake somewhere in Indiana. It was really nice-swimming in the evening, eating vegetarian mushroom burgers with corn cobs and potatoes for dinner, hot tubing by night, going to the orchard in the hot September sun, munching and picking apples that tasted like pie and taking pictures of each other with apple juice dripping down our chins. While we were gone we missed this terrible storm, probably from the Hurricane Ike, and came home to branches and leaves everywhere and the air feeling considerably cooler than before.

Now I just feel so confused with myself. I snapped at my sister and I'm feeling guilty, because I know that the reason I probably did it is because I know He has a new girlfriend, a girlfriend with the same name as me, nontheless, and I guess it hurts a little. It's not as though I loved him, or I really wanted to be with him forever, or even for the rest of the semester, but knowing that I can be so easily dismissed makes it hurt, really hurt. Maybe I'm not as covienent anymore, but now I'm looking at myself like a castoff and wondering how I can fix myself in all kinds of ways I never thought of. Maybe I shouldn't read too much into it, but I want to make myself better. A girl who doesn't get forgotten easily, or if she does, doesn't care. I want to lose weight, for me, and make my body so perfect it's untouchable, not like when he'd kiss me and squeeze my sides, but when I was thin and light and had closes falling off of me and the only worries I had were mundane, and yeah, maybe sick, but simple and all in my head. This is so pathetic...no one consiously turns to a disorder & I'm an idiot because when I was in the worst of my disorder, I was anything but happy, wishing for some real problem. And now I'm on the other side of the looking glass, wanting to trade in a real hurt for one I give to myself, so I can beat anyone else to the punch. 
 But the last time I got hurt, and it hurt far worse than this, nothing really got me through but running and crying  by myself, but keeping myself smiling around people. I made a list of things to do: races to participate in and charities to give money to, and goals upon goals to try to reach so maybe I find a bit of value in myself. Thinking and do and moving so I couldn't feel anything, much less any pain