So here it goes again- the emotional trainwreck that is me, trying to date. Isn't the concept of a date kind of weird? No matter if you've really just met them or if you were previously friends, the idea of it suddenly makes it so much more formal and prone to having labels attached. I know it's usually fun, but sometimes anxiety takes over & I just smile a lot and take Xanex to stomach my insecurities.

I dunno...I think he's really nice, though. I don't like being alone all the time, but dating intimidates me, relationships scare me...and. Oh, I'm a mess.

"I just don't want you to get out into the world and have it change you. You're the only one of your sisters with a belief in God and I just don't want you to lose that," my Mum said. Once again, we started a nice dinner and started talking about politics. And when someone brings up a good point, the opposer has to bring one up to. People get offended, you act civil, but you start questioning things and get more and more confused. But somehow you come full circle, not being affected.

"Mom, I'm just learning and keeping my mind open, okay? It's so easy for us to look at all the other religions in the world and say 'That's silly, how can they beleive that?' But they're saying the same thing about us! Adam & Eve, you beleive that?"
"Why not?"
"What about Evolution? Neanderthals? The age of the earth."

There's just so much I don't know and so many people wanting me to beleive and change and stay the same & all I want to do is what is right, but it's so hard to figure it out. And of course, my mum had to bring up the abortion card. I really really don't know what to beleive. If I were ever pregnant, I would never consider an abortion. It's just something I can't comprehend. But you know what else I can't comprehend? Rape & incest & situations that are so gruesome the mear mention in fiction makes me want to cry. Who am I to decide for you what could be the biggest event of your life? My sister is grad school for psychololgy. She worked in a center for troubled kids who had parents who'd beat them or do drugs or say things & do things she couldn't talk about. And after reading the Cider House Rules, everything just gets more & more blurry in terms of right & wrong.

"Everyone is so sure that they're right & they try to convince you, but I just want to figure it out myself & not just swallow what everyone else says."
Is that so wrong? I still have faith & optimism, but all I'm looking for is what feels right to me, what makes sense to me, and what i think will benefit everyone else in the long run.

I can't wait till the election is over.

"I am in control, no one can make me do anything I don' t want to do. This is my life, & I'm in control." 
These are simple words, but they serve as an affiramtion for me when worries won't leave my mind. My counseler said that she wants me to practise breathing techniques & affirmations, so hopefully these little things will make a bigger impact than I'm hoping for. 

I wish that for once, just once, I could be sure of something, sure about myself, especially. Maybe that's why letting someone else too close into my life just terrifies me. That's multipling the amount of worries that I can handle, & I have enough of my own to busy my mind. For a day or two, it's a thrill; exitement & smiles & remembering sweet little things that happened. 
Then, like ablink, a sudden change occurs in my mind & everything is in reverse. I doubt myself, my feelings. "Can I really like him...?" "Do I really like him?" "What about when he..." 
I don't know why it is that I try to condition myself not to judge anyone, but when someone likes me it's all I can do. And I feel imperfect & flawed & his head on my shoulder is a weight I can't bear with the one already present that no one can see. And his kisses are smothering me & it's hard to breathe but I smile & go along because I'm trying. And only the people who know me best know that I smile when I'm nervous, even when I'm panicy inside. 

If I had to make an analogy about what worry feels like, it'd be a carosel, an endless circle. No beginning or end, just constant motion, rotations, an up & down motion that'll feel like a rush, but take your breathe from your throat & make your stomach weak. Each horse is like an apocolyptic horse, & how appropriate, because every little thing is like the end of the world to me sometimes. They have names, changing continually with each revolution. Doubt, shame, guilt, fear.

One day, I'll break this circle.