I want a lover with a houseboat. =)
Die Toten Hose. When I was in Germany last summer my friends and I were watching German music videos & there was die Toten Hose on tv. Yes, the dead pants. Best band name ever.
And pretty much anything in French sounds beautiful. =)
I love spring. It's always the last week of April when everything just explodes into color all of a sudden. You could be gone or huddled inside one day, & come out the next & see that everything has gotten so so green almost overnight.
I went to my grandpa's house the other day. He's in the hospital now, recovering from a hip replacement. I wish I could explain how awesome he is--he's like a saint. He's really homesick for his kitty, though, I thought I'd take some photos of him & give them as a gift. I took some pictures of things around the house that just reminded me of my grandparents. They're little things, but they make me think of being there when I was little.
Spooky is not ashamed to drink of out the loo. 
BED HEAD KITTY!!! I'm so lame. I'm really scared about taking my camera out of the house, so I've been taking cat portraits. But she's so cute... =3
Most days I hate my curly hair, but some days I don't mind. =)I'm so achey for summer. Plans have already been made in my head- I will tons of photographs, photographs of friends with green dappled bokeh light behind them. Pictures of picnics & fireworks & swimming in innertubes & catching fireflies. I'll go to the movies and not worry about how many calories are in all of that butter. Maybe it'll be like last year, going on a movie date, tickling the boy's palm beside me & getting my fingertips kissed.
And I'll write things, things I hopefullly won't be embarrassed with. I'll run faster & further than I have been, &I'll get one of those kiddie pools & lay in the sunshine. I'll drink cheap wine & champagne with my friends until we're laughing at each other laughing at nothing. I'd like to get a little tent & fill it with blankets and just live in it for a while. I want to swim in big lakes and float right in the center of it. Sometimes, when I'm really nervous & anxious, I just recall how it feels to backfloat--your limbs surrounded by water, your body floating, your ears thrumming with water...it's the most peaceful thing I can think of. It reminds me of the last lines in "The Piano,"..."it's a strange lullaby, but it is mine."
This last week has left me so exhausted, I just want to curl up with the shades drawn and sleepsleepsleep for a while. Not until finals, though.
Wow, this is entirely random, but I just drank a lot of coffee on an empty stomache & I feel strange. My hands are shakey & I keep twisting them.
like a sister, like a daughter
as we drove down nameless roads
because you know I never slept well,
unless I was lulled by motion and wind
my head was in your lap
with hair tickling your knees
and traced the veins of your arm
to calm my nerves that never settled
but I know one thing for sure that calms--
if and when all things fail,
there will be clues left for you everywhere
messages in the closets
letters under the mattress
secrets scrawled under wallpaper strips
and those that find it, and then you
will know all the things I never said
but felt when you invoked them
....yeah, I don't know about this.
On the way. I think this place is in Illinois. 
Louisville buildings. 
tulips! @ The Art in the Garden exhibit. 
Lynn's Paradise cafe. AWESOME!- Location:Kent Library
I was good for so long. Now I guess I'm just good at giving in.
This is exactly how it happened last year. I should keep track of these things, see if they coincide with lunar activity or something. Maybe I'll get some good sleep now, at least.
I DID take a lot of photos, though, because I finally got the camera I've been wanting really badly!! I'm so afraid to take it out of the house, though. It's like my baby. My pastic, battery power baby. Anyway:
My room needs to be cleaned.But you know what, it's gonna wait.
There is a lot/little going on right now & every memory I have is relived fervently in my mind. I am back 17 again, getting home late, my mouth sore from kissing & my shirt on inside out. I am in Neushwanstein, during my last summer as a teenager, staring at this mural of wilderness & wood nymphs & knowing that this is where a king lived & I am breathless. I am in Italy, gazing up at the Rialto with my feet in the water & pigeons leaving feathers everywhere & a brand new necklace of blown glass on my neck “just like your eyes,” and everything I hear is a song of talking in a language I don’t understand.
I want to be there, & I want to be somewhere worthy of another memory like those.
- Music:Stillman, Stillborn Moon <---please listen! it's pretty.
Blah. I'm not making much sense, but really, what I'm trying to say that half of the time I feel like I'm not enough, not enough, not enough. And then the other half of the time I'm trying to fix myself & make myself better. I just need sleep, badly, and springtime even more.
At least tommorow is the end of the end of the week =). That means scrambled egg night at the Braun/Cheek house! I had so much fun last week...we made eggs & sang songs & played hide & seek in the dark with flashlights & had a shadowpuppet show & eat icing out of jars while telling secrets & taking polaroids. It was just a nice way to unwind. & I'm getting really exited at the idea of next year, living in this house with all of these old friends (& Sydney & hopefully Alex & Cass visiting alot). For some reason I feel like it's almost too picturesqe & I'm hoping that it'll happen. I don't think I'll get homesick with them, or if I do, they know that I'm panicy like that sometimes, so it'll be alright.
I've rambled SO MUCH! Oh well. I'm gonna study for Phonetics & sleep. =)
Hope everyone is doing really really well!!!
- Music:The Umbrella Sequence, At Once Charmed
I've been quite lazy these days, I suppose that winter is dragging on & I am, too. Things aren't bad, though... =) I don't really have much to say, I really just wanted to make a post to let those of my friends on here know that I'm sorry if I've been a bit of bum when it comes to commenting on entries. Usually I'm just checking them before running off to class, but I hope that everyone is doing great, I really do!
So...I got a typewriter the other day & I'm so elated about this. :)
- Mood:
cold
Today I am in one of those wild moods, where I want to learn everything I can--just soak up science and history & have all of these easily forgotten facts forever in my memory. It makes me want to get on a plane & go to Egypt, climb pyramids & have a dark skinned man with milkcoffee voice explain heirogliphics to me and tell me about the Egyptians kings with kohl lined eyes and their organs preserved in jars.
I'm in my pajamas, putting off a run & watching "The Universe" on the History channel, & it makes me feel very small & expectant & a little scared, but mostly just intruiged. I got my microbiology book in the mail & it makes me feel the exact opposite, just this huge vessel full of tiny moving things inside me, and it makes me feel huge & alive.
Do you ever have those days? when just beign awake, eyes open makes you see EVERYTHING? I had a couple of cups of coffee & my hands are shaking so bad, but it's not unpleasent.
Everyday should be like this, really.
Honestly, as emotional as I am, I don't cry very much. I'll cry when I'm throwing up, because of the lacrimnal gland producing all of this saline. For some reason, it's a great release, odd as it is. But today, as somewhat non-exiting as it was, I cried (quietly, not bawling) more than once.
This is me, whining about nothing, making everything the acopolypse when everything is really all roses. But that's how anxiety is. It takes hold of you one day, and suddenly all of these routine tasks are scary, you wonder how you managed it all so easily before, and more amazing than that "how can everyone just live, so easily?!" Writing this makes me sound crazy, but I feel like on here, I do'nt have to feel as contained, and noticing that maybe I'm having more trouble than I'd like to admit, I made an appointment to see Linda (my counseler) again. I told her that I felt strange, that change is hard for me, and being back on campus makes me wonder if I'm missing anything. Like hearing Ellen talking about watching movies at night & staying up laughing & getting slap happy makes me think maybe I"m missing out. But I can't describe how scary it feels to think about moving in. So I asked her "Maybe it's just me, living in the dorms just isn't for me, but I wonder if I'm missing out although I've kept in touch with the friends I made my first semester." And she said "Well, you kind of unintentionally shot yourself in the foot when you moved out after the first semester. When my youngest daughter moved away to college, I told her she wasn't allowed to come home for 6 weeks. I knew from seeing the homesick kids here that it would be good for her, and she was mad at me at first, but she knew that it was for the best by the end of the year."
She said a lot of things I didn't want to/was hoping not to hear. Maybe I just keep wanting to be babied, to have people tell me, "It's okay, it's alright, stay comfortable." Like my mom does. I can't help but love the fact that my mom loves having me home. If I never moved out, my parents would be fine-fine with that. I can't imagine them ever getting tired of me, wanting me to leave. Today, when mom asked me "What's this I hear about you wanting to move out?" She'd already gotten together a list of reason why I should reconsider. I barely even mentioned it to dad last night when Aubs was over & we were talking about living in the house next year with the B's & C's. I think maybe that could be my happy medium, a little step. My friends & I talked about all night, all of the great stuff we'd do if we were roomates- midnight movies, & 21st birthday parties & dogs running around in the backyard, a little library downstairs, awesome thrify furniture, making each other paint, motivating each other to do things. & I've known them for so long, it'd just be nice to have them there, they're almost like an extension of a family. And maybe I could get that in the dorms, & I loved the friendships that I made, but these friends have lasted, they feel more permanent. I can't explain this & my reasoning is tinted & obscured, but I guess it's best I ramble so I can get some sleep.
I love that my mom & I are best friends, that after a long day I know she'll give me a hug if I need one & make me a vegan BLT & drink coffee with kitties on our laps. This house in the woods & the people I've grown up here with are all I really know.
I just don't understand how people function the way that they do. I even look back to when I was first moving in the dorms, just meeting my roommate (who is awesome), making friends easily while fighting off the weight of missing something you could have, pretending everything was alright & getting by those first few months without a hitch. But how did everyone else do it? Kelly next door, hours & hours away from home saying "I don't miss it. I'm glad to be gone." How do people function so independently? Get by without knowing a soul & uproot? I'm so jealous of these creatures, these everyday girls I'm around.
Today's almost over, & I'm pretty releived...it was a long day. Not bad, or good, just long & different from what I'm used to.
I don't handle change well. A soon as something changes, I instantly regard it as bad, something I could do without. Suddenly I'm considering all other options, weighing every descion I made in the past. "Did I choose right?" "Should I have..?"
I know that in a few weeks, I'll be alright, that it just takes a little time to adjust. It's just the transitory times that make me feel uneasy & anxious. But Robyn sent me an email, & in it was a quote from a forum she'd been reading "Deal & Adjust."
Words for me to live by!
While I was pulling books today at work, I started thinking that putting off changing my major is not a good thing to put off. (no...really?) So after I came home, I talked to my mum, got my job related almanac (from 2001, mind you) and the student bullitein & tried looking for a major that would be useful if I decided to get my masters in Occupational Therapy, but a major I could still utilize if I decided I wanted to be done after 4 years. And after a lot of reading & going over curriculums & drinking coffee, I've decided...
Ahem. Communication Disorders. http://www.worldwidelearn.com/online-edu
I was considering a biology major, but unless you get your masters in something else, there isn't a whole lot to do. I went to ask.com to see what kind of jobs you could find with just a BA in biology & I thought this was funny...
http://wiki.answers.com/Q/What_kind_of_j
How helpful.
First, thanks to those that left comments on my last entry...I really reallly appreciate it. I think this season has taken it's toll on me, and its kind of an odd time right now--I'm living with my parents, whom I adore, in the middle of nowhere about an hour from the university I attend, & all of my friends that have been home for the holidays are going back to their schools. So I've just been lonely & with all of this free time I've just been thinking a lot. I suppose I just got overwhelmed, and here is the only real place I CAN be honest. One thing I'm going to try to do is be more honest with how I feel & let the people I love know what I'm going through. I think that will prevent me from having to feel so secluded. But anyway, THANK YOU again for your wonderful comments & advice. I just I could give you all a hug, I really do. =D
Today was pretty exiting, actually. After a run & shower I found that I had two missed messages on my cell, & not being much of a phone talker, I was glad to see that some friends were trying to get a hold of me. So after playing phone tag for quite a while, I finally got a hold of the friend who's calls I'd been missing & she asked me if I wanted to hang out with her tonight- they were going to meet some of her friends, who I met recently & adore, up in STL & go to a hookah bar. I'm thinking, it'll be late, it'll be different, but I am so ready to get out of the house. So I said sure.
"Really?! Awesome, see you in a bit."
So I took an anti-anxiety pill, just in case (I'm really not as socially inept as I make it sound, I've just been feeling jittery). And took off, blasting Counting Crows & driving on the highway & looking at stars. It felt really good to just be going somewhere new.
It was so great seeing old friends again & making new ones, just talking & laughing and inhaling pomegranite smoke in a dimly lit bar with crazy music in the background. We talked & talked, and later stopped by my sister's apartment, a miracle considering I only knew the name of the street she lived on & the fact that there was a TMNT poster (her boyfriends) on their door. So I tossed some pebbles at her window, much to the humor of my friends, & eventually settled to leave a note in her mailbox.
Then we took off to my friend's dorm & it was SO NICE! I know that my school doesn't have dorms that are too awful, really some are very nice, but I never realized how much a hefty tuition manifests itself. Being back in the dorms made me feel kind of nostalgic. I know that there are things I really miss about the dorms, & maybe being in a really nice one made me miss it even more, but suddenly I thought " I could do this. Again." And the thought wasn't terrifying.
So we hung out for a while, and then fought off sleep while talking all the way back home & we remembered all kinds of great things from high school that we did, like having a "coloring commity" and stealing an orange traffic cone, and making a zine.
So even if it's just today, I. am. grateful. =)
- Mood:
sleepy
I also slipped a little happy note in a book--it was a book about eating disorders going to an institue of pyschology. I don't know why I picked that one to slip the note in...maybe just because I figured it was one of two people- someone wanting to help someone suffering from eating disorders or someone who suffers themselves. Either way, I just tucked inbetween the pages without thinking. I hope someone finds it & that it makes them happy =)
I'm really going to miss Miranda when she leaves...when she's back from school it's just like old times, hanging out & dancing while we're driving out & singing to lyrics from the radio stations on too loud. For the past couple of years we decided that instead of getting each other Christmas presents, we'd just eat out & see a movie or go shopping. This is a treat for us, because usually we just go to each others houses & lie around talking (& we're poor college kids). She leaves the day after tommorow & I'll have to keep myself busy, so I don't get sad thinking about it. I don't know how all of my friends do it--just pack up, move away & have these completely different lives from the ones they left behind. I'll have to do that one day, too, I know, but I just don't think I can do that now. One of my friends is moving in with his brother (another friend of mine) and they want me to move in with them. As fun as it sounds sometimes, it kind of terrifies me, too. One day, I'll get over this, I'll have my own little life outside of this home of mine, & I'll be okay.
But that day is not today & that's fine with me.
- Mood:
contemplative - Music:Dave Matthews Band
One of my goals in the 101mission was to write nice little messages or inspirational quotes & leave them tucked in places for other people to find. Well, seeing as today I've been cooped up inside, this afternoon was spent making little booklets! I'm kinda happy with the way they turned out:
Inside I have some Dr. Seuss quotes, Anne Frank quotes, a couple of pictures clipped from magazines, and a little picture or Garfield and Odie. =) I might not be going to work tommorow due to the possibility of the weather being icey & junk, so I'll look around on Wednesday for nooks to leave them in. Any ideas?
- Mood:
groggy
So the holidays are over...but now that they're over, we can enjoy all of the lovely new things we've gotten. Here are some things I was particularly happy to get:
A new cd player! My old one passed away a couple of months ago, and I'd been listening to records for months, and as awesome as it is to listen to old jazz, Beatles, and Cars albums, I'm happy to have a cd player again. I also got the new Coldplay Album, Viva La Vida, which is really good (especially the song Strawberry Swing). Also, I painted the little yellow painting behind the cd player. =D I didn't come up with the saying, but I saw it on an Etsy painting & thought it was really cute. Plus, I see it everyday, so it's a way to put yourself in a good mood before your day really begins.
A mosquito net canopy! I've always thought these looked really cozy, so I finally got one for the low, low price of only 17.99 plus shipping & handling!
In reguards to my 101 list,
I've been pushing myself to run a little further on my treadmill and finally decided to weigh myself. I wasn't suprised by the #, so that was good. I was afraid that after avoiding it I'd gained a couple hundred pounds without noticing, but no. I did actually lose a pound, so that's good.
I've also been trying to reduce my intake of sugar & that's not as hard as I thought it would be. I can't bring myself to part with Teddy Grahms, though, & they aren't that bad for you, so I'll keep buying them.(I have the palate of a 5 year old).
My room is also sligthly less cluttered and I vaccumed it with my new little vaccum, & I must say it's looking quite spiffy.
Anyway, I'm really glad I'm thinking about it. I know it's only day 2, and by the time 1001 days pass I may have forgetten all about most of these things, but I really hope not...it's a list of things I've always kind of wanted to do, & if reading & writing them is as fun as accomplishing these things, I'll be a happy girl.
Happy 2nd day of the New Year, guys =)
I'm making this list based on the community in the LJ spotlight, and I'm going to follow along as the next 2.75 years go on (hopefully =) But I don't think I'm going to officially join (not now, at least) --I always feel sort of sorry for the little communities that are suddenly bombarded with tons of new members after being spotlighted.
As of right now, I'm 20 years old, and a sophomore in college. By the time approximately 2.75 years passes, I'll be nearing my 23rd birthday (or past it?! I don't know).
Anyway, this is my list of things I REALLY hope to accomplish:
Educational Goals:
1. Make the Dean's List at least two more times.
2. Re-learn ASL (american sign language).
3. Purchase a copy of Grey's Anatomy or maybe a wall chart for Anatomical reference.
4. Read at least 6 classic novels a year. (I'll take it easy the 3rd year & read 3) (0/15)
5. Read school text ahead of time (preferably all year, but realistically, let's say for 1 month).
6. Listen to and follow along with ALL the German tapes (one per month). (0/12)
7. Talk to potential grad schools about Occupational Therapy programs.
8. Expand vocabulary and give 100,000 grains of rice with www.freerice.com. (5200/100,000)
Also, get to level 40. =)
9. Graduate in 2011
Physical & Mental Health:
10. Run in 2 5ks. (0/2).
11. Run 4 miles straight. (2.25/4 miles)
12. Overcome hemaphobia.
13. See counseler
14. Get more sleep (go to bed at 11:00)
15. Drink 8 oz of water a day for a week.
16. Lose weight and maintain it. (4 lbs lost =)
17. Get no cavities & floss everyday. (Check up on 1/13/09...no cavities! They said nice things like "you have nice teeth!" but they also said they wanted to "keep an eye on" the distal of 2 & 13 and the blingityblong of something. I'm always curious when they throw around dental terminology to the assitstants..."THE WHATA?!"
Art, Craftiness & Hobbies:
18. Paint something 1x a month. (1/36)
19. Draw something at least 1x a month. (0/36)
20. Print, collate, and distribute at least two issues of "Onion Life." <---I made a zine =) & will be happy to mail a free copy to anyone interested! (assuming no more than 1 person will be). (0/2)
21. Make a documentary (no matter how pointless or sucky it may be).
22. Get a navigational system for car & learn to drive someone I've never been.
23. Make my own stationary/notes with doodles on them =)
24. Keep a book log.
25. Finish travel journal.
26. Complete another visual journal.
27. Sew a skirt
28. Obtain and learn how to use rollarblades.
29. Do 10 activities in the "How to Be an Explorer of the World" book. (0/10)
30. Make a tiny little scrapbook of things I love & things that make me happy.
Helping Out & Getting Out:
31. Donate to charity at least two times a year (1x to Samartian's Purse, 1x to another org). (0/2)
32. Help out with children's church 1x (0/1)
33. Try to make a phone call to a friend once a week. (I'm not really a big phone-talker, so this will be almost chanllenging). (2/?)
34. Help out around the house more often. *
35. Join an organization and always be a faithful attendee.
36. Do 50 random acts of kindness in one year. (0/50)
37. Do something sweet for each member of the family.
-1/6/2009- Bought my Mumsy some flowers when she was feeling a little under the weather.
38. Keep in touch with Jenny.
Money, Saving & Spending:
39. Save $ for another trip to Europe.
40. Buy a really fancy handbag.
41. Consistantly balance checkbook. (1/35 months)
42. Get a hammock.
43. Get a new cell phone.
44. Save $50 dollars a month. (0/36)
45. Put old home videos on DVD
46. Get a really great camera
Things I've just always meant to do, but never really did:
47. Try a new recipe 1x a month. (0/12)
48. Visit the camel in Jackson
49. Go skinny dipping.
50. Memorize a favorite poem or monolouge.
51. Get a friend to catch fireflies with during summertime.
52. Drink champagne from a swirly straw.
53. Make soap.
54. Attend a concert.
55. Go to indie coffeeshop for an open mic night.
56. Submit something for publication
57. Get a typewriter OR purple velvet chaise lounge.
58. Go to Elephant Rock.
59. Go to city museum.
60. Go to botanical garden
61. Go to butterfly house.
62. Visit Pat's grave.
63. Declutter and organize.
64. Go 3 days without tv & document. (0/3)
65. Get a professional massage.
66. Have a professional do a make-up application.
67. Make-out in a truely bizzare location
68. Have a Felicty marathon with April.
69. Be happy with where I am.
70. Get Ipod+Nike thing to work.
71. Send Henrike a mixed tape/cd.
72. Check & respond to email weekly. (2/? weeks)
73. Have a Midsummer's Night Dream party (or just a little get together if that's too overwhelming).
74. Get a labelmaker & label stuff.
75. Take a summer class.
76. Bake cookies for the girls at work for every upcoming holiday.
77. Never get library fines! (I work there! This shouldn't happen!). Oops. I'll keep trying.
78. Leave little uplifting notes & junk in usually places for people to find. (2/???)
79. Visit Mattie.
80. Make new friends.
81. Go to & enjoy a party.
82. Mail something to Sarah.
83. Clean up bookcases & donate books to Aub's mum's store.
84. See Cinderella ballet with Ellen
85. Consider options for where I want to live.
86. Donate old clothes.
87. Obtain & read "Mind over Mood" (1 chapter down & already highly reccomended).
88. Go sledding, preferablly with Sam or Miranda.
89. Reinstate candy fridays (something I did in high school--dress cute & give out candy to friends & whoever wants candy on fridays) for 3 weeks.
90. Get picture taken in a photobooth.
91. Do something truly altruistic.
92. Matte & frame my favorite photos from Europe (preferablly one from each country).
93. Go dancing (and try really hard not to worry about looking like an idiot).
94. Put all of my photos & old docs on flash drives & cd so I can delete them from the computer.
-1/2/2009
95. Have game night as often as possible.
96. See a meteor shower.
97. Buy a really lovely coat.
98. Post in LJ journal at least 2x a month. *
99. Stay in a hotel & jump on the bed.
100. Write down cute stories my mum (or grandparents) tell me about the olden days.
101. Update about this list, and make a new one. =)
Extras:
~Learn the entire Animaniacs song about the Presidents (and hopefully be able to remember all of the presidents in order).
~Find a four leaf clover.
~Expand knowledge of geography.
~Keep on smiling at strangers. =D
~Lay in the grass & watch the clouds go by. Take pictures of said clouds & note what they look like. This is particularly fun with friends
~Find a least 5 new bands I love
~Buy a shirt of a favorite artist.
Bold entries are in progress, italics mean that they've been done, and asterisks indicate the # of times I've done them.
- Mood:
hopeful
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